Not quite what I am Not since I seen her
by AccountBuster
Summary: A Reaver who doesn't think like the others sees River and wants to follow her forever.
1. Part I

I don't want to be this, this hurts; everything is too bright, too much.

Hunger cuts me up inside, cut up somebody else instead, make them feel this pain.

They don't know; don't understand this confusion, this unreality.

I can't stop to think, if I stopped to think, if I lie down and ever thought, I'd die inside again.

What once was is lost forever.

I'm not like them.

I've never been like them.

But I have to pretend to be and that makes me just as bad, just as stupid.

They don't know, thank the blackness, and thank the end, they will never know and they should be thankful.

You can't see everything, not all at once; no one can live like that, so we become blind inside and our eyes don't see who is screaming, our hands don't feel what we're tearing at, our mouths don't taste what we're chewing.

Just running forever so we don't have to stop, we don't have to ever think.

If we lied down we'd die, just like the others, go out doing whatever you happened to do be doing, never, never, never.

Everything is so ugly here, the fires, the blood, the bodies, everything is so real here, on the ship of Reckonin', we all saw it and we all promised there and then, amidst the death, it will never happen again.

There was something in the air, we screamed and screamed but no one listened.

They were all dead, all dead.

Just lied down and died.

I stay in my bunk a lot, polish my knives and guns; they ignore me like they ignore the other ships unless they are weaker, I think it's because I don't eat like them, I just eat when I need to or maybe 'cause I don't "not think" like them, maybe they know.

I watch the stars go by, like little bits of glitter, I remember glitter, it was my favourite thing cause' of how it glinted off the light, the stars are brilliant glitter white in a sea of black.

The others like the smell, I can't like it, its horrible and junks up my nose like oil slick.

I don't know why I remember life before or why I'm not exactly like them.

The others are screaming so I guessed we must be landing, smells like dust.

The ropes go down, I'm one of the last to hit down on the rocky soil.

The others go straight to the food, screeching and biting, the ones to pass me as they run look at me strange 'cause am not running and yelling too.

The people stare in right horror as they see the others running, they start screaming and start to go fast but not fast enough I suppose.

I walk slowly like, looking left and right as I'm going and see something beautiful.

So very beautiful.

A person, a living person who thinks like me, in jolts and bits.

She, I think that's what the person is, hard to tell from so far in the dust, seeing as I got such really bad vision which is kinda like staring through water.

She just jumps onto the little open yellow ship and it speeds away so fast, so fast.

I run after her but the ship is so fast, like a little yellow comet.

There were five on board, another tried to get on but somebody pushed him.

I wanted to be on that ship, don't know why, but I didn't want to be eating them or doing other stuff either, just wanted to be next to that beautiful girl with the mind like mine.

I watched until she disappeared from my eyes.

I wandered around, looking at the remains of the people and all the others eating them, them giving me those weird looks.

I didn't feel like one of them.

That's when I knew I didn't feel like a reaver.


	2. Part II

The cold, something cold hit my mind, like ice. Something bad was coming.

I looked up and there was a shiny ship.

The shiny ships were bad, evil, kill kill kill.

The mantra of my head, I let the red mist catch me and hold me in its bloody fist.

I roared and went after the ships, the black descended and I went blind, letting the stuff in my head do the wet stuff.

I hid in the black.

Haunted by the fleeting image of her delicate littleness.

I awoke up out of the black and I was on the floor, I was dragged out of hiding with a blow to the head, teeth cracked in my jaw.

A Soldier stood over me with his gun drawn; I flew at him and tore him up, tearing at his neck and loving the warm blood hitting my mouth and gulping it down. I snorted and laughed, blood flying from my mouth.

He should have been smarter, faster, not much more than a child, scared, scared like a baby.

Now he was dead, lying down and dead.

Whispers catch at me and I spin, get my feet and sending dust up as I sprinted back to the Reckonin'

I grabbed a rope and yanked myself back up, still relishing the taste of blood, so warm, so delicious.

I clutched at the rim of metal and jumped onto the floor, snarling and hissing at the others and they stopped and stared as I stalked past.

I did the hard act all the way to my bunk, when I was there I felt like I was chucked into water, something trickled down my face and tasted salty through the blood, it was cryin', I was cryin'.

I felt really bad for that Soldier I had eaten. Dunno why or how but I was turning back into what I was. It was her, she was fixing me back into what I was.

I had to find her.

But don't even know her name or where she was.

Maybe I could find her with my head.

I closed my eyes and looked with my head. I could feel her, she was far away and she was…she was looking for me too.

Snapped, something snapped, the link to her snapped, I heard it. Like bones.

I pulled up the tattered blanket around me; a cold was inside me, a real deep hole with no end.

I jumped out my bunk and snatched the blanket, my knives, my two guns and a little glittery blue necklace I had gotten off a pretty lady one day long behind.

I stuffed the blanket and some real food and water into a really tattered rucksack. Then I put the pretty necklace into a pocket, making sure it wasn't gonna be broken and the put the guns into my slung and the knives into the other pockets.

I was ready.

I ran, growling faintly to make sure nobody would jump me.

I got the little ship bay and saw my ship. I called it Streaker when I got it 'cause it was so fast, faster than the yellow comet and faster than any ship out there, 'cause it was the best, well, the best to me.

I ran to it and ran my fingers along its smooth side; the cool metal was nice against my skin.

I looked round then smashed my fist against the green button and jumped into the seat Streaker when the top opened up, have to be quick quick anybody might catch me now.

Powered her up and up we went, I thought really hard and the door flew open and I flew out.

Into the black where there was nothing to stop me from findin' her.

I tried to open the link again and she was waiting, she was stuck inside of her, like me.

The link snapped before I could say anything but she yelled over the snapping noise, she said that her name was River Tam and she was on the Serenity.

I wondered where she might be.

I grinned and followed the nose on the inside of my head.


	3. Part III

Days and days I've been flying, always just behind so they don't I'm there. I know they'd kill me for just being.

I could scream but no one hears you in the black.

No one except her, she'd hear me and she'd tell them not to shot and they would shoot and I'd be dead. Oh so very dead.

Like the rest.

Cold and dead that's what I saw. Cold and dead that's what they were.

It's so lonely out here. Can't keep the connection open long or it starts to hurt her, have to let go and then I'm alone again and all I can hear is my heart thumping away against my ribs.

Or maybe it ain't my heart; maybe it's just the thudding of the engines.

Feel asleep at the helm again, haunted by the ghosts I am, can't escape them 'cause they're inside my head and chase me, howling and screaming and when they catch me I wake up. I know the edge all over again.

She was dreaming too, I could see the dreams; they were scary, much scarier to her 'cause they were mine, they were real, why was she dreaming what I saw? I try to nudge her awake, wake her up quick but she's scared of me, she screams. No wonder I suppose, I'm kinda one ugly fuck-duck.

I give her another dream, a happy one, with me as I was. She was laughing, and it sounded like golden water, I smiled but then everything fell apart, back into hell with the fear, she screams again and my teeth chatter, they're are good bits, I filed them myself, like a monster's, all pointed and sharp.

Suddenly she screeches from her own nightmares, needles and needles and more, it scrapes me up my skull, I can't stand the noise, it's too loud…too sore and I push away. All the noise disappears, silence again.

No food and not ate in days and days. There's water here and I drink a little, need to keep most of it for later.

A planet, something, Beaumote, Beaumode no, no I think it was called Beaumonde. Dirty and full of loudness and light and people. Normal people, not ones like her or me. Just folks living their pretty lives on and on, through and through.

I watch from space, they just keep going through the clouds. I stop and breathe a minute. What could I do even if I could bear follow her through the crowds? They'd shoot me and I'd be cold, dead on my feet. Walking ugly fuck-duck.

I don't even know how bad I look, staring at my hands is bad enough, and I just avoid mirrors or anything shiny. Not good for me to look and see how far I've gone from what I was.

And I remembered what I was flying, I'd not even get to the Dockers before they shot me down, I'd not be cold and dead, I'd be vaporised in fire explosions.

But so close I was to her. So damn close.

I gritted my teeth together and I chattered them, I always have done when I was nervous, or scared.

I pulled the lever and down and down I went, if they shot me they shot me, at least I'd die trying.

They didn't shoot, didn't even see. I landed in an ancient scrappers yard and there was no one there, abandoned it looked. I was lucky getting there.

Something went off inside my head, screams and whispers all at once. The memories that ran so deep, so cold came back. River's voice filtered through, she was cold and deadly and said "Miranda".

Everything went black for a moment and all eternity.

All alone in the black. Bullet in the brainpan squish. Nothing stops the signal Mal. A million memories from people I didn't know just over took my own and I shook from the force. Time flew by like it was nothing ever, it meant nothing.

When I pulled back up it was still night but she was gone. Away, flying into deep space and she was scared, bad and sleeping but I couldn't reach, too far.

I ran back to my ship, have to go quick, quick, speed is needed now. Took seconds to be back in the sky, no one saw me come and no one saw me leave.

Away again, following a fainter trail than before but all the same, all the same.

Her dreams, her memories where mine. She was seeing as I saw. Murder everywhere on my home world, such beauty then nothing, no blood or gore, just death, everywhere they just lied down and died. Not like me, not like me.

I shut up, quietened my thinking and she stopped and woke up, broke the link with me.

It's so lonely in the black.


	4. Part IIII

I pull on the thrusters and close my eyes, pushing against the fear and weariness. Not time to be sleeping, not time for being afraid. I can't follow much longer, so weak, so close to dying I can feel its breath on me; it's eyes running all over me. Shivers coat my spine in solid dread of the waiting void. No…I will never leave her to face this dark world alone.

I grinned viciously, I actually challenged a force in the 'verse to try and stop me. But nothing happened and I laughed. I laughed long and hard, dusting off my unused laughter was like welcoming an old friend. I would've giggled on longer but something came. Something bad, very bad.

It was silver, stark and sterile. Oh no. No. No. No. They were back to finish the job. Back again to finish me off.

They called themselves justice and peace within themselves. But I knew, we knew once. The decay and death that they brought with them had destroyed people. My world included.

The Alliance, those bastards, they're just as good as my flea bitten ass.

I swerved to avoid their sensors and activated the cloaker. A fly on the wall, ghost in the machine. I was invisible.

I shut down everything but the engine and played mouse, quiet and hidden.

They thought they were so righteous, invincible to anything. They thought wrong, so wrong.

River Tam.

Someone aboard that stinking ship was thinking of my little girl. To hell with mice. Let them burn in hell for even crossing their minds across her, their tainted little heads full of nothing.

I pulled on everything in there and blew across space, putting distance between them and me. Had to get to her. Had to warn her quick like.

Buzzing, loud and cutting inside my head, like thousands of wasps stinging at once. I screamed and everything began to slide. Not good timing, not good at all. Black swished through my eyes and I struggled to keep hold.

Everything lurches back just in time, floating and swimming in empty space for a moment then I'm back. I cut the world in half with fire and blaze to my old territory. Just above my home world, Miranda.

I can get closer now, they wouldn't recognise the ship in between everybody else. They're ship looks like everybody else's, they're undercover, so no one catches them. A little ship like mine tries to tear the back and I shoot it down, no one is gonna hurt my River. No one. They pass through, all safe, all secure. Good.

They land on Miranda, in Porticula, another city just like mine, just like every other one on my old world. Everyone's dead, I can see them, they lie there and stare and are quiet, oh so quiet.

I follow Serenity down and ignore the dead. I can feel River, the dead do scare her so and I can't do anything. She knows I'm here and tries to see me. I am hiding, I don't belong.

I peer over the building and stare down at her; she's just as beautiful as when I first saw her. She shines. I don't. Simple. Ugly fuck-duck and Goddess. I laugh, it grates up through my throat and one of the men spins to my hiding place. I grit my teeth, ducking. He keeps going, dismissing the noise.

Everyone is so terrified of the sleeping dead. No one hurt, none are sick. Just dead, so dead.

I follow them with my eyes, ignoring the fear I feel inside. They find the crashed rescue ship, I remember watching it fall, I was just a kid when it hit. I was so young, no longer young, much too old now. Seen too much, felt too much. Still just a kid, same age as River, my beautiful River.

They take the tape the woman made, she saw me last, I watched the light die from her eyes, and I could feel her soul screaming even when she was dead. She didn't join the silent ones, she just screamed and faded away. Like everyone else.

Tell everybody, tell the world's what happened. Got to go to Mr Universe. River tells me in her sweet voice that I hold in me. She is so good, so pure. She will succeed. I won't let anyone hurt her. I promise the fire inside.

They meet and the captain is going to tell everybody, tell the 'verse. No respite, no mercy until justice is done. They know now, they know the truth, soon everyone will know. Good, good as the silent dead are hushed.

Crazy idea the captain has, an armada of Reavers to meet battle in the air. Bad Idea. NO. Too risky, this plan is too dangerous. But they go, they shoot and everyone follows. I stay close to the front and watch, in case anyone gets any ideas.

They fly through the cloud, the electric cloud and to the Alliance ship that makes me feel sick to the bones that hold me together. What a fright they have when every Reaver ship follows through.

Through the flames of war and down to the planet. He's dead, but not. His voice follows along in time. No one knows so I don't tell them. They need the hope.  
I am a leaf on the Wind, Watch how I Soar.

The flyer dies, another ship. I hadn't seen it. I scream, no, such a waste of River's friends. Murder has never felt so right. I crash down after Serenity, my ship is damaged, I killed the ship that killed the pilot.

Everyone is rushing for blood and I follow the crowd, pulled along by the fire inside. No one would hurt her, or her friend's. I'll kill them and they all know it by the flames in my eyes.

They barricade themselves in a room, blast doors, poor Zoë. She lost her husband. He was the pilot. Such a waste of life and love.

Anger crushed me; I tore at those who surrounded me, not bothering to wait for a chance to escape. They batter at the doors and get in. The captain is not there, fighters and others are, River, Zoë, Kaylee, Simon and a man they called Jayne. I feel their fear; their anger, and I use it to saw some down.

Death and blood have never been so righteous.

I got inside, one of the last, and River cuts me down with the handle of her weapon. It knocks me down but I know she doesn't mean to hurt me; she's just caught in the fire and how hot it burns. Blood runs down my face, I feel it. She kills everyone, not me, I'm still alive and twitching, she knows, but I stay still, the others don't know. If they did they'd shoot me down.

I stay so still like one of the silent dead.

Guns and shouting, it's over, don't they know it, do they know the awful awesome truth. It is over.

Bullet to the Brainpan. Squish.

I lie there and feel her light, her pure great good. So beautiful she is. Everyone leaves. Alliance is gone, not for good, no, not for good. But for now they leave.

River glances down at me, my ugly fuck-duck face and she smiles. She kneels, everyone is staring. Jayne had his gun up and pointed but doesn't fire.

She takes my hand.

She took my hand. Her skin so soft and real against my bloody torn hands. She pulls me to my feet. My head spins a little but not that much. I stay suspended in the moment. She hugs me, I practically faint, she is holding me. I feel the tears on my face again, like when I was young, when I was real. The crew, the captain, her brother, all stare disbelieving, hating. She takes my hand once more and leads me from the room. I do not resist.

You can't make people better.

You can't fix them.

People are who they are.

The captain follows River, the crew follows him. They shout, they yell, they argue. No one kills me.

Good sign I guess.

River never lets go of my hand. We go to the ship. Together. She smiles at me when I do, she laughs when I say something funny, and she holds my hand

I love her so much, she's better than I was dreaming.

The ship is huge compared to my stuffy little one. There's even showers, real working water showers. I ask her if I can wash the blood and grime off and she nods, leaving me to it.

I strip off the tattered shorts and jacket and jump under the running water. It feels so good, so clean. It hurts when the water runs through my scars but I disregard the pain.

It feels so good to be clean again.


End file.
